Sunday, 28 April 2013

The Demise Of Clive

For the last couple of months I have had Clive working for me earning me money and looking after me well, however after about a million childish tantrums he has seen fit to ignore my emails for the last couple of days so I think it's about time I showed him just what a bitch I can be.

OK so Clive lives in Devon and works for the Benefits Agency investigating fraud cases. So most of his time he is either sat in the office filling in paper work or he is sat in his BMW watching every move the bad guys make. His disguise of choice is a suit and I do have to admit he looks rather good in it, even better when he is kneeling to worship Me in it.

He had been a very good boy apart from his tantrums which were tedious to say the least but listening to him apologise and then receiving his tributes by way of an apology were so much fun. The other thing which I found entertaining was having him take lovely pics for me. You can see his handiwork below:

Now then Clive, you can see what a bitch I can be. It will take a decent sized tribute from you to have this post removed or I could replace the pics with speech bubbles with the original pics? It's up to you.

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Breath Control: GASP @ MARS part 1

This last Saturday I attended the first of a four part workshop hosted by Dr.Rubber at MARS. This workshop will focus entirely on breath control, covering everything from different kinds of breath control to the safety aspect of it.

Now I have a basic knowledge of breath control and in fact enjoy doing a little of it with my husband and other visiting boys but I usually only really attempt the HOM (hand over mouth) method or face sitting. The reason for this being that I have a massive fear of having my own breathing restricted. Now I know to some that will sound ridiculous as it is I who would be doing the restricting but for some reason I get drawn into the scenario and start to empathise with the sub which see's me searching for air which then in turn brings on a panic attack.

I have suffered terribly from panic (anxiety) attacks in the past, so much so I was medicated for it but thankfully over the last 3 yrs I have managed to come off that medication as the attacks had disappeared. I am very aware of the situations which will bring on an attack and like any sufferer will actively avoid them as best I can. However as this is an area of play I would like to understand and use more I needed to put myself in a situation which I knew would be problematic for me.

The person who was teaching us was a self confessed rubberist and breath play addict for the last 20 plus years I think I recall correctly. But, not only that he also works in the medical profession as an anesthetist and is also a qualified Scuba Diving instructor. So even though I knew I was on shaky ground attending, I consoled myself with the fact that if anything was to happen to me I knew I would be in completely safe hands. Honestly if the workshop had been run by someone who wasn't as qualified as he is, the outcome for me would have been a lot worse.

So the workshop began and I was taking it all in (even managed to recount the entire evening to my husband when I returned home lol) and we were being taken through the basics about HOM, bagging, choking (well not actual choking because that's just silly) and all the safety aspects needed to ensure your session is pleasant for all involved. We were shown clips of people having rubber gloves pulled over their head and also girls having plastic bags placed over their heads and as I watched them struggling for air I could feel my heart beginning to race and not in a nice way.

I continued to watch some of the clips through cracks in my fingers and managed to watch the live demo's that were before us involving gas masks and latex weather balloons even though I could feel my heart pounding and knew my chest was getting tighter. I tried everything possible to take my mind of what I feeling when suddenly I tuned into Dr.Rubber mentioning that as part of extreme breath control (some of which would be covered in later workshops) he used a machine to breathe for him for 3hrs. When he came off it he had to be weaned off it as when he tried to breathe by himself, his lungs felt like lead.

That was it, I was gone and I could feel tears silently trickling down my face as I tried to gain some composure and settle myself but it was no good. Panic had taken hold and my mind was racing trying to make sense of the situation and also trying to hide it from everyone. I eventually managed to slip passed the group to the loo and then to the kitchen where Al gave me a glass of water and refuge.

After 15mins I was on the road to calm and took my seat back out in the hall with my friends, both Miss Tilly and her boy asked if I was OK and J even tried to take my mind off it making me laugh, as usual lol. The workshop ended about 5 mins after my return so I think I did pretty well to get that far into it before my attack. Anyone who has suffered with anxiety attacks will tell you it's a god awful experience and a potentially self destructive cycle.

I spoke to Dr.Rubber after he had finished talking and also again the following day via email and he has made me see that my anxiety about this subject is a really natural reaction and has said that he will help me overcome it if I want him to? Of course I do and I will get there, I'm positive of that. So the moral of this story is if you want to do something but it scares you, try it anyway, you may surprise yourself.

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Times Are Changing For Me

I have been giving much thought to how I work over these last few months and a few things have become apparent to me. The main thing being that I am not entirely happy with how some boys see me and I don't mean aesthetically, I'm talking about my role in this wonderful kinky world. 

The phrase 'wankers' is one which is all too readily used and I have used it myself many many times however I have decided not to use it anymore. After all everyone is entitled to have a fantasy and if they're fortunate someone may even indulge them in it. This used to include me.

When I first stepped into this realm I was a Lifestyle Domme that dabbled in online work too, it broadened my horizons and satisfied my need to play with others. Then as time progressed that need to be with others became stronger and more difficult to satisfy in an online only role and this is how I stepped into Real Time sessions. Along with a guiding hand from my now best friend Miss Tillysue it soon became much more than I could ever imagine.

I was champing at the bit to explore other peoples fetishes and to help to transport them to places they had never been and felt before, not in an altruistic way of course, I got a lot out of this including the fee lol. Sadly over time this has become more of a chore than a desire for me, not because I have fallen out of love with the lifestyle au contraire, my love for it just grows and grows. My change of feelings for it has come about from the way 'subs/slaves' perceive my role.

They think that just by handing me my hourly fee I will be grateful for it and do whatever they wish and if I'm honest I'm tired of trying to explain to them that this is not how it works with me. So I have decided that aside from working with the fabulous MissTillysue with Double Domme sessions, Slave Labour Camp and anything else we deviously concoct I shall only be looking to have Real Time sessions with boys who I have spoken to more than once. 

Some of you may read this and laugh, some of you may read this and call me an idiot, some of you may even think I have shot myself in the foot as far as getting boys to session with me, however this is a decision I have not taken lightly and already I feel a lot happier for putting pen to paper as it were and saying it out loud. 

I will still be more than happy to chat with boys at events and if you're lucky and I'm feeling devilish you may get my time but that will be MY decision and not be something you should expect. For now, for me, it is all about that wonderful D/s relationship and how it develops. I will still also be offering online services as I have always done, the only thing that has really changed is that I want you to work for what you desire, your time with with me.

Things may change again in the future but for now this is how I feel and I would appreciate it if you could at least try to understand where I am coming from before you comment. Also just for those who will undoubtedly say I'm not a Real Domme anymore then i shall retort in advance, hahahahaha ok then if that makes you more comfortable.